


Harry Potter and the Unshakeable Dysphoria

by dakotahommes



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: LGBTQ Character, Trans, Trans Female Character, Transgender
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-31
Updated: 2019-12-31
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:34:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22057111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dakotahommes/pseuds/dakotahommes
Summary: Harry Potter finally gives in to her dysphoria and tries to make a change. She sneaks into the library at night to find a book on altering one's body.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 79





	Harry Potter and the Unshakeable Dysphoria

It was a cold winter night. Snow was drifting down from the sky, and the wind blew hard against the glass window panes. Harry Potter lay in his bed awake. Across the room, Ron Weasley was sleeping like a babe and snoring like a hog. Harry’s mind was restless.  
“I can’t take it anymore,” thought Harry. He sat up and put on the pair of slippers that were waiting for him next to his bed. He opened up his trunk, donned his invisibility cloak, and exited the room like a ghost. Out of sight, out of sound, and out of body, Harry snuck through the quiet stone halls of Hogwarts.  
The library at night scared Harry, and with good reason. He had been startled there more than once before. But as far as places to sneak around at night go, you could do far worse than the library at Hogwarts. You might find a book that you wouldn’t want others to see you reading. Maybe you just needed a quiet place to study in the middle of the night. Hermione always said she felt the most at peace whenever she was surrounded by books. You might also sneak into the library at night if you wanted to access the secret knowledge hidden away in the restricted section.  
Harry went to the card catalog. As slowly and quietly as he could, he opened a drawer and searched under the subject ‘gender.’ He quickly found what he was looking for: How to Alter Your Body, Forever or for Fun by Wendolyn D. Harga. According to the catalog card, it was in the restricted section, locked behind a metal gate.  
“Alohomora,” Harry whispered. The lock clicked open. She undid the chain, careful not to let it clang, and continued towards the book she sought. She pulled down her invisibility cloak to see it clearly.  
It was bound in faded pink leather. The paper was heavy with age. Harry opened it hesitantly, and was pleased to discover that it was not, in fact, one of the restricted section’s infamous screaming volumes. The index in the book’s first pages listed chapters about polyjuice potions, illusions, and shape-shifters. The chapter titled “What We Talk About When We Talk About Gender” began on page six-hundred and sixty-five.  
_Before we explore how a willing participant can use magic to alter their gender, we must first differentiate the terms ‘sex’ and ‘gender.’ Sex refers to the biological characteristics of humans that are typically considered to be male or female. This includes anatomical differences determined by sex chromosomes, genitalia, and secondary sex characteristics that are typically developed by the production of hormones during puberty. Gender refers to the social expectations for people of different sexes. Gender roles, gender expression, and gender identity are all individual concepts that exist within human culture, and vary across time and geography. Because gender is a social construct, we cannot change it using magic, but by willingly altering one’s sex and appearance to match their desired gender, they will usually find that they are perceived by others in a more comfortable way._  
 _Many individuals choose to live as a gender other than the one they were assigned at birth, and many of them seek to physically alter their body to better fit their sense of self. This is considered to be one of the oldest magical practices._  
Harry got the feeling that she was being watched. There was no one behind her. She looked up and saw a cat peering at her from on top of the shelves.  
“Oh fuck,” she said.  
The cat leapt down from the shelf and Professor McGonagall stood before Harry in a nightgown.  
“Professor, I swear I was only research-”  
“It’s alright, Harry.”  
Harry was stunned. She felt hot in the face. She suddenly had to go to the bathroom. She felt like the ground beneath her was cursed, because her feet were desperate to be anywhere else.  
McGonagall spoke in a quiet, sincere tone. “Have you been feeling uncomfortable with your body? Or with how others see you?”  
“It’s both,” she said. Harry’s brain wanted to grab the words that were coming out of her mouth and shove them back inside. But her heart felt relieved to speak with someone, to not be alone with this feeling. “Almost everyday I think that things would be better if I was a girl. I tried to ignore those thoughts, but I couldn’t.”  
“It’s okay to make a change, Harry. You know yourself better than anyone else. You must be true to yourself if you want to be true to others.”  
Harry’s body almost never allowed her to cry anymore, but she felt a pressure behind her eyes and a quiver in her voice. “What would my parents think?” she asked in a whisper.  
McGonagall took the book from Harry’s hands, set it down, and embraced her in a hug. “They’d love you just the same. And they’d be so proud of you for having the courage and strength to shape your own life.”  
Their hug lasted as long as it needed to. Harry dried her eyes with her sleeve. “What now? Am I in trouble?” she asked.  
“I would have preferred that you came to me first, but I understand why you felt the need to sneak around in secret. No, you’re not in trouble. I suggest you write a note to Madam Pince explaining that you are borrowing the book with my permission and that you will bring it back in perfect condition, else she will have your neck.  
“I trust you to be responsible with the magic knowledge contained in that book as well, Miss Potter. You may wish to safely experiment with temporary appearance changes before attempting to alter your self long-term. If you need assistance with any spells, my office is always open. I’ll also happily help you change your name and pronouns in the school roster when you feel it’s appropriate. I will stand by your side.”  
“Thank you, Professor. Really. I… I can’t say enough right now how much this means. I’m overwhelmed.”  
“If I may offer one more piece of advice before I send you back to bed: tell your friends sooner than later. They will be glad to support you, and I think you will be grateful for their support.”  
“I will, Professor. I’ll tell them tomorrow.”  
McGonagall smiled. “Very good. Off to bed with you, Miss Potter.”  
Harry held the book close to her chest and wrapped herself in her invisibility cloak. No one could see her blush as she walked back to the Gryffindor bed chambers. She felt an intense happiness and excitement like never before. For the night, that feeling was hers alone. Tomorrow she’d share it with Hermione and Ron. Or maybe Hermione and then Ron.  
Ron was still snoring in bed, exactly where Harry had left him. Before getting back into her own bed, Harry went into her closet and closed the door. Harry would never choose to go back to her cupboard under the stairs, but if she was being honest, she sometimes missed the cozy comfort of being alone in a small space. Sometimes she sat in her closet at Hogwarts just to be alone with herself and surrounded by clothes. She sat on a pile of dirty laundry and illuminated the pages of Wendolyn Harga’s book. While the lasting change spell was complicated and robust, a temporary change was actually quite simple. It only lasted for a few hours. Harry didn’t want to wait any longer to taste the freedom of a comfortable body.  
She pointed her wand at herself and closed her eyes. “Genus mutatio,” she whispered. The spell felt warm as it washed over her. Smoothness waved over her skin. Curves emerged where edges had been. Her hair fell to her shoulders. Her clothes fit her better. Usually she felt like her clothes wore her, instead of the other way around. She quickly left the closet and went to the mirror on the wall.  
Real tears flowed down her cheekbones, and she felt relieved that she still knew how to cry. For the first time in her life, she recognized beauty in herself. She was still Harry Potter. In fact, she was the most Harry Potter she had ever been. Maybe she’d change her name to Harriet. Or maybe something else.  
She decided to go to bed before she got away with herself. Ron would be shocked if he woke up to a girl in his room. Harry crawled under the covers and admired the way her hair spread across the pillow. Tomorrow she’d wake up as a boy again. She’d have a lot of work to do. She was scared of coming out, of making a change, of attention. For now, she slept and dreamt as a girl, and she rested soundly.


End file.
